Sunday, May 2, 2010

Stream of Consciousness on a Sunday Night

Warning: this may not be coherent as I am typing this directly into Blogger.

It's Sunday night.  The laundry is still in progress and my thoughts and emotions are flying.  I'm trying to reconcile two of the many faces I wear.  This weekend was Bohemian Artist.  Friday, I worked on collage.  Saturday, I wrote many pages and I read aloud some unfinished pieces at "Sound Effects" in the afternoon.  Today I'm exploring drawing, art journals, and thinking about learning to make my own paper.  (Yes, I did do some yardwork and ran errands, too.)

Tomorrow is Sucksville Schmuck.  Monday morning begins in the cold corporate caverns of the basement with no windows and a [groan, gag, grimace] staff meeting.  I hate them.  Staff meetings such as these are like water-boarding.  Okay - too extreme.  Let's just leave it at "I hate them." 

This weekend was rewarding, lending itself to personal growth, spiritual freedom, and a lightness in my chest.  Tomorrow brings dread and a heaviness that brings me to my knees.  (Yes, I've had a few glasses of wine.)

My challenge is to carry the Bohemian Artist with me into the dreaded staff meeting.  Do I sit and draw while they talk and talk ad infinitum?  That could trip me up.  I just don't find personal value in that place.  However, I must continue there as I am the sole breadwinner of the family thanks to the economy.  So another face creeps in: Responsible Person wearing an ensemble of guilt. 

I should explain something here.  I work in Sucksville 20 hours a week.  The other half of my time is completely different.  I work upstairs in the same building with wonderful people of my age group who share my personal values (and enjoy two windows in my office).  We know what is important and what is not.  I have authority and autonomy.  I can listen to classic rock music there.

I guess I just need to go back to playing the lottery.  (Now THERE is another blog post:  Lottery players are statistically lower income daydreaming drones like me who end up funding a bunch of public institutions that are mostly enjoyed by the well-to-do.)