Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Public Service Essay #1

I wear granny panties. Okay, I don’t really wear big huge granny panties, but just regular ones that cover my butt. My entire butt. Why am I coming out and publicly stating my underwear choice? This is a public service essay addressed to women out there.

While I’ve been thinking this for many years, it came to a head not that long ago as I sat in the lobby of a well-known Scottsdale resort. Being of the writerly persuasion, I can’t help but watch people. I actively listen in to other people’s conversations, too, so be warned. I don’t want to hear any whining about Big Brother, either. If you talk in public, it is public.

Anyway, as I sat in this lobby, I saw women of the younger/youngish generation walking by me. My teeth started to ache. On their feet were shoes that must have come from an online BDSM store. Pointy toes that would not pass airport security, platforms, and heels so high they come under the heading “screw me big boy.” They walked passed me in bone-jarring loud clunking strides that in no way conveyed the adjective “sexy.”

No, these women were not high-class hookers. These women topped their short, short, short skirts with blazers and brass name badges that proclaimed their employment at this resort. They held their head high and carried clipboards with pride. They just couldn’t carry any form of beverage and hope to keep it in the cup.

The next thought was of course, the rest of the outfit. Under those non-skirt skirts could only be, of course, thongs. And when laundry day has passed by, dental floss. I shuddered. I spent a good portion of my life pulling my underwear out from my crack and these women are intentionally cramming theirs into it.

If I had to wear clothes like that, I’d be terrified to drop anything in a crowd. How could you gracefully bend down to pick up something that is 3 inches lower than the sole of your foot and not reveal your ass to the world? We won’t discuss the physics of getting back up again.

Folks, I’m proud to say I’m over 50. I’m proud of this because when you hit that golden milestone, your gift is the realization of what is truly important in your life. For me, that is comfort over fashion. I have lived uncomfortably for most of my life and that is now over. I wear socks in my sandals. I wear generic jeans. On weekends, I wear a sweatshirt instead of a bra.

Women, please step back and take an objective look at yourself. We’ve been pushed and brainwashed by the media and fashion designers into totally ridiculous costumes. And we let them! Sexy is an attitude, not something you pull from your closet.